Steven Wright Jokes

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob
a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the
money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes
right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch feels real."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I wrote
"Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With
Pail...Kitten On Fire.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
calendar has no sevens on it."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign
below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that
when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to
be out that long..."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me
and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I
know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I
realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything
in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my
roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced
with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she
got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch
it was to think about sandpaper.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.
I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a can't
hear him talk.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an
only child...eventually.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I
went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble

I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me how long I was
going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me
about some of the people who were here last year.'

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No
thanks--I'm not going that far.'

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door

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