You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes "oink!" You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You have a refrigerator just for beer. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle." You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.