"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher
said to her most mischievous child.
"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about
things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked
his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up
with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have
so much hair?"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best
friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much
better than yours."
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please
do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to
go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher
asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her
hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,
because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the
teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And
where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"
"That's VERY good," she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she
asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams
'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following
day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks,
"Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by
the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just
downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a
way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them
back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought
out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then,
making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds
and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as
possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and
asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of
the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What
is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could
be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to
the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked
him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she
missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door
shot himself."
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and
saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
vulgarize the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, "My sister has a
sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny
was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that
the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got
closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's
testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you
have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that
rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Johnny!!" the farmer
yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the
wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Johnny answered, "But I don't think daddy
would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But daddy won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know daddy is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is
he?"
"Under the wagon."
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He
noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely,
goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for
God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the
time."
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister
right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the
dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed
'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
