Lawyer Jokes

Legal Jokes:

    The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
    They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  1. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
    She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
  2. How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
  3. How many lawyer jokes are there?
    Only three. The rest are true stories.
  4. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?
  5. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
    (A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?

    8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
  6. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 'Senator.'

    11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 'Your Honor.'
  7. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
  8. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
  9. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)
  10. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  11. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    Removable wing tips.
  12. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
    Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
    New Jersey got first choice.
  13. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
    Chelsea Clinton.

    Submitted by Yisman
    Edited by Curtis

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still
at large. The police are having a time figuring it out, and they have
nothing to go on.

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police
are looking into it.

A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area for
clues.


How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.


The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

 


The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see
you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police,
but they wouldn't listen."

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

 

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo -- of handcuffs.

 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

 

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the
driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only
trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me."

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged,
whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of
the law.

A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said:
I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements
for my release from jail.

 

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said,
"What will you take....30 days or $30."

The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

 

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him
over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

 


Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

 

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up
beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

 


After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the lady who'd
picked him up about his days on the range. "It's the only life for me. In
fact, I wanna die with my boots on."

As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...you better
get 'em on Slick, that's the Sheriff, my husband."

 


A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The
officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the
road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile
back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."

 

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

 


Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What
would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

 


A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell
the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer
will do anything to win a case."

 


A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed
over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing.
I'll take either side."

 


An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."

 


A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada
Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they
would release one lawyer every hour.

 


Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.

 

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the
streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but
he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting
loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little
girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 


A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then
asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them lawyers lie."

 


A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night.
The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered
the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a
shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.

As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked,
"Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?"

"Of course I am," replied the lawyer, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."

 


What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... I saw a lawyer with
his hands in his own pockets!

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

What's the definition of a tragedy?
A busload of lawyers crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

 


A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and
covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves,
the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 


Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx
Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the
keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally
he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

 


When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.

 

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when
we broke in!"

 


Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his
Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he
cried, "My god I'm melting!"

The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
It seems that people were confused as to which side to spit on.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan
rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and
bleeding. "Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"

"How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate
conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous
woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are
you to question that woman's punishment?"

 

Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior
modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the
first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now
using lawyers".

"Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?"

"Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get
attached to rats."

 


What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

 


The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them
jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I
forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."

 

A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news, and I
have some bad news."

The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"

"You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance."

"Great! Now what's the bad news?"

"Well, uh..she's marrying your father."

 

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q of 40?
Your Honor.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think He's a lawyer.

What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

 

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the
tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce,
Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry. I
can't believe a mistake like this has been made on your wife's tombstone!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the
phone number!"

 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked him what his rates were. "$50
for three questions," the lawyer replied.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied. "And what is your third question?"

 

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'until you're dead to rip your heart out.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have
a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.


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