Jewish Wisdom
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger


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