Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be,but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Writing science labs is a simple task. You just have to list facts down and a write conclusion based on your facts. Like this one: You have scalpel, and a frog. Stab the frog with a scalpel. The conclusion: The frog is dead.
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?