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Hickphonics |
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland cashed in by
labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics,"
has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer
pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or
"Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern
schools.
A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The
following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English
dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is
Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an'
left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in
munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah
thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops,
and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure
hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother
from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that
thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and
the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire
in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard
at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage
in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n'
ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand
a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He
cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that
my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze
ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never
seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them
gummit boys shore are ignert."
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