How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach? He is the only one with sesame seed buns.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"? It can't be found.
What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A wedding.
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn? Put up a "Bingo" sign.
What does a bulimic have for dessert? Two fingers.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.
Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain? It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!" The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!" The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?" "In the toilet."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu, called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" Fu decided to return to China.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.
Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
So O.J.'s in court the other day, and he's getting kind of cold. He can't take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, "Judge, it's freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?"
Ito replies, "Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I'll keep it any temperature I like."
So O.J. says, "Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?"
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
What does an accountant do for birth control? He talks about his business.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
What is the definition of an engineer? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's office? Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked