1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field ...
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual

massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in

public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen

while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to

your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and

announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17

inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all

weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU

think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of

your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your

neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener

it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they

touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and

"cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if

people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and

tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with

prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,

producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be

saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands

over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink

cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a

nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,

and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI

copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a

"croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts

of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their

complimentary mints by the cash register.


Back | Next


More Pages of Jokes: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 
49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 
73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 
97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 
121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 
145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 
169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 
193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 
217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 
241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253