The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
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Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
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A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "Do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
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THEY COME ON APRIL 15TH DEAR
(To the tune It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.
Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
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TAXPAYER'S LAMENT
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
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A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting,"Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
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In order to simplify tax collections in the near future, the IRS will issue a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra EZ. After your name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two pages:
1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government. Form Scru-u-R
Page I.
1. How much money did you make this year? $________
2. SEND IT IN. $________
Page II
1. Take out a loan for more.
2. Send it all to us. $________
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HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)
Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are *only* recommended when you owe money. |
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