General
Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.
The Murphy Philosophy
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
Murphy's Law Extended
If a series of events goes wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.
The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Axiom
Fix one spot in the music and another spot becomes a train wreck.
Murphy's Eighth Law
If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something.
The "I Told You So" Law
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would happen and enjoys saying "I told you so" (usu. a trumpet player).
Law of Time & Effort
Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small. As time remaining approaches zero, the effort approaches infinity.
Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Deaf Leading the Deaf Principle
Band students playing correctly will always follow the students who are playing something incorrectly.
Anything You Can Do Law
When something is done well, four trumpet players always complain that it could have been done better (by them, of course).
Principles of Diminishing Concentration
1.Office aides always interrupt rehearsal with "all calls" when concentration levels peak.
2.Students late for class are always those who sit in the middle of the band.
School Schedule Law
If a new, more confusing school schedule can be developed, it will.
Corollary: Advanced courses are only offered the same hour as band class.
After School Absences Principle.
After school club meetings and teacher conferences always occur the day of that most important after school practice.
Assembly Timing Rule
Assemblies are always presented during band period - especially the week before any type of concert or contest.
Fire Drill Dilemma
Fire drills will always be held in the middle of band class the week of festival.
Corallary: If a fire actually did start, but during another class, all students would have no clue about where to go.
Bouncing Check Maxim
The largest fundraising check will, invariably, bounce.
Fundraising Prize Principle
Half of all fundraising prizes received will refuse to work and have to be sent back.
Freely's Fundraising Law
At least one student will wait till next year to turn in fundraising money.
Corollary: He/She will also try to turn in all the unsold items.
Concert Band
Double Reed Will Travel Destiny
Basson players, oboe players and players of other exotic instruments always move out of the district, not in.
1st Principle of Music Errors
Some errors always go unnoticed until the music is in print.
2nd Principle of Music Errors
After receiving an advance copy, the first page the composer turns to contains the worst error.
Solo/Ensemble Dilemma
Find the perfect solo for a student, and the piano accompaniment will be missing.
Corollary: The piece is out of print.
Atchison's Law of Difficult Music
Students hate music with seemingly unconquerable difficulties.
Corallary: The harder it is the more they hate it, the less they practice, the worse it gets.
Program Pronunciation Principle
As the program is being read, if a composition or composer's name can be mispronounced, it will.
Beth's Program Principle
If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected.
Principal Program Principle
At least one name will be left off each concert's program.
Corollary: It will most likely be the child of the principal.
Murphy's Law of Marches
If a march can be rushed, it will.
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's ineptitude to execute it quickly.
The Extended Rest Theory
The longer a rest is, the less likely a section will enter after it.
Train Wreck Principle
At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will train wreck in concert.
Law of Clarinet Squeaks and Squaks
Clarinet squeaks never fail to happen in the most exposed sections of a piece.
Axiom of Applause
If parents can clap at the wrong time, they will.
Classic Ignorance Maxim
After a concert, parents rave unendingly about the rock tune played but say nothing about the demanding classical work by Mozart.
Festival Host Certainty
At least one entry form and check will be late for any contest.
Corollary: The check is in the mail.
Festival Music Stand Principle
The music stands will wobble.
The Play It Again Sam Axiom
At the district concert festival three other bands will play your most difficult piece.
Corollary: All three perform ahead of you and perform it better.
Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight Reading
The melody will be in an instrument you do not have (ie. oboe).
Corollaries: If cues are miracuously provided, they will be given to the weakest section.
Tuner Will Travel Principle
The tuner will be left behind on out-of-town performances. If, by some miracle, it is remembered, the batteries will be run down.
Traveling Amnesia Principle
Forgetful students will always forget something.
Post-Festival Maxim
At least 3/4 of the instruments will stay at home the day after a performance.
Corallary: At least half of the students will, too.
Law of Media Favoritism
There are always more pictures and articles about your rival's school band in the newspaper than yours.
Marching Band
Uniform Shortage Postulate
There will always be at least three band students who can not find a uniform that fits.
Corallary: No matter how you switch uniforms, there will always be at least one really tall person left with a super small uniform top.
Hole in the Shape Theory
After summer practices there will always be at least three holes in the drill.
Corallary: They will all be in the same line.
Dilemma of the Small Band
The 1st trumpet player is also the drum major.
Ex. Our band's ex drum major, Tresha.
High Note Principle
Any tune the director chooses as a closer will have a end note one step higher than the first trumpet can screech.
Mary's Law of Computer Written Drill
Director's can still write a stupid drill on their computer.
Corollary: At least it's readable.
Drill Design Dilemma
The one and only thing worse than developing marching drills is seeing the end product on the field.
The Electronic/Disaster Ratio
The potential for disaster increases in direct proportion to how much electronic equipment is used to prepare a halftime show.
Bogus' Law of Bus Trips
Buses will breakdown on the longest trips.
Corallary: The band will already be an hour late.
Visiting Band Axiom
The stands for the visiting band will be rusted, bent, and almost impossible to use.
Corollary: The stadium lights will be in front of the stands so no one can see the music after the sun goes down.
1st Visit Maxim
When entering a stadium for the very first time, bands that enter on the south side have seats on the north side.
Weather Report Theory
On game, festival, and contest days 50% sunny = 100% rainy.
Twisted Weather Law
If because the clouds are dark and it looks like it's going to pour the director decides not to march - during halftime the weather will clear. If he/she decides to march, the rain will begin the moment everyone plays the first note.
Left-Left Law
In any drill movement, at least two people are out of step.
Corallary: The people behind them will become out of step and so on.
Train Wreck Instant Fix
When in doubt, do a company front.
Murphy's Law of Majorettes
If a majorette's baton isn't glued to her hand she will drop it.
Corollary: The drop occurs near the side-line.
Lost Uniform Parts Law
At every away game, at least one uniform part will be left behind.
Global Cooling Principle
The day before a Christmas parade the weather will be in the mid 70's and clear. The day of the parade will be 5 degrees below and there'll be two feet of snow.
Equation of Win-Lose Appreciation
The worse the football team, the greater the appreciation for the band.
Jazz Band
Pop Practice Principle
A student's practice time is directly proportional to how many sheets of pop or rock music he/she possesses.
Dit Diga Bah Dwee Doo Daht Axiom
What you can't say, you can't play.
Armstrong's Axiom
If you don't have it in you, you can't blow it out.
An Observation of Student Musicians
Most students hear what they think they are playing - not how it actually sounds.
Missing Mute Maxiom
At every rehearsal, at least one brass member's mute will disappear.
Interpretation Principle
If a director selects one of four sensible interpretations of a piece, the three judges will like the others ones better.
Beginning Band
Recruit Ratios
For every one student in beginning band wanting to play tenor sax, there will be six who want to play alto sax. For every kid wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play flute. For every child that wants to play oboe - oh well, they won't.
Corollary: The one student who wants to play bassoon will move to another state the second week of school.
Principle of Instrument Purchases
Buy a new instrument one week and you will find a better price a week later.
New Instrument Axiom
If a parent can find a cheaper, unplayable instrument from their second cousins ex-wife's brother's attic, they will.
Laws of Beginning Trombone Playing
1. A quarter of the beginning trombone players will be hearing impaired.
2. Beginning trombone players use their spray bottles on other band members more than on slides.
Swing It Silly Law
If the dotted-eighth and sixteenth can be swung, the beginning trombone player will swing it.
Lost and Found Band Books Principle
At least one beginning band book will be left on the music stand after class each day.
Corollaries: 1. It will usually be the same student.
2.If it's not the same student, there will be no name in the book.
Alternate Fingerings Law
All alternate fingerings taught will be immediately forgotten.
Beginning Band Camera Equation
The number of of cameras present at every beginning band concert equals the number of musicians times two.
Instrument Repair
1st Law of Repairs
Instruments are easier to break than to fix.
Murphy's Law on Instruments
An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time.
Corollary: The instrument will belong to a 1st chair player.
Fiddling Principle
Anything will work if you fiddle with it for a long enough time - except, perhaps, a fiddle.
Principals of Instrument Repair
1. When trying to replace a pad on a woodwind, all available pads will be too large or too small.
2.The screwdriver with the right size tip will be misplaced when a woodwind key needs to be tightened.
3.When a pad is accidentally dropped it will magically roll to the very least accessible part of the room - like under an immobile cabinet.
Domino Effect as it Pertains to Repairs
After fixing a key on a woodwind, three other keys will malfunction.
Mouthpiece Inertia Principle
Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge.
Corallary: The student owning the instrument will try jamming it in a door in hopes it will come lose - instead it will be forever ruined and still not come out.
Magic Hands Priciple
A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it.
Corallary: When it gets home the problem will reappear.
Law of Selective Operation
Brass valves will stick on test days.
Corollaries: 1. They will not stick when the director tries them.
2. They will stick again when the student resumes playing.
Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction as Applied to Stands If you take a music stand apart and put it together enough times, eventually you will eventually have two of them.
Corallary: If you take it apart too many times you will end up with only half of one.
Directing
New Director Principles
1. You are never as good as the previous director.
2. When stuck, blame all of your problems on the previous director.
Law of Necessary Action
If you are doubtful of an administrator's consent, do what you want and repent afterwards.
The Custodial Law
The director's triumph with logistical interests at school is directly proportional to his/her connection with the custodial personal.
New Student Law
New students who have come from another city always play an instrument you have plenty of.
Chalk Another One Up Principle
Chalk and an eraser are always available when you don't need them, but instantaneously disappear the second you do need them.
Inner Game Principle
Given enough instruction, any student can become completely confused.
Law of Repeating
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be one person that wasn't paying attention and will ask you the exact same question you just spent half an hour answering.
Memory Maxim
Don't assume students remember anything from one day to the next.
Law of Discipline
After threatening severe disciplinary action against the next student who talks during class, that student will be your first chair trumpet player.
Punctuality Paradox
Give a stern talk about being on time and you will be late to the next rehearsal.
Band Budget Formula
The budget is inversely proportional to the size of the music program.
Superintendent's Special Request Dilemma
Should the superintendent request music, it will be at the last possible minute and there will be neither score nor first trumpet part to found.
Long Meeting Equation
For every meeting the length increases by the number of teachers there squared.
Corallary: You will be stuck in at least one the week of every festival.
Condensed Score Principle
During the sight reading portion of concert festival you will have to conduct from a condensed score.
Return +1 Maxim
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return.
Return +3 Maxim
You will have to wait another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child.
The Two Least Credible Sentences in Directing
"The check is in the mail."
"Just one more time..."
The Salary Law
Any pay raise is just significant enough to escalate your taxes and just insignificant enough to have no effect what so ever on your take-home pay.
Better Means More Maxiom
Do a great job and you will be asked to do more.
Organization, Planning, & Paperwork
Ray's Rule of Organization
The more you plan, the greater the confusion is when things go wrong.
The Complimentary Rule of Ownership
1. If you keep anything long enough you will throw it away.
2. When you throw anything away, you will need it the very next day.
Communication Principle
When a director gives students letters for parents...
50% will be left on music stands from where they will eventually fall to the ground.
20% will be stuck into the music folders,
10% will rot in instrument cases,
10% will be left in lockers,
8% will crawl under the student's bed,
and 2% of the parents will see the letter (although only 1% will actually read it...by which time their child has graduated)
1st Organization Principle
If you file it, you'll know where it is - but never need it.
Corallary: If you don't file it, you'll need it - but never know where it is.
Paper-Cutter Principle
If it's possible to slice off part of the marching music, you will.
Copier Breakdown Principle
Copiers will break down when there is only one more copy to make.
Percussion
1st Law of Percussion Music
Percussionists will unfailingly misplace music as a concert approaches.
Corollary: All parts will be misplaced at least once. Percussionists will try to fake their parts until they are eventually caught.
1st Law of Auxiliary Percussion
The whereabouts of all auxiliary percussion instruments will never be known simultaneously.
Corollary: If the lost item or items are found, another will come up missing.
1st Law of Traveling Percussion
At least one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school on every band trip.
2nd Law of Traveling Percussion
On every band trip at least one important piece of equipment will be left at the concert site.
3rd Law of Traveling Percussion
At any festival at least one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with one belonging to another school.
Corollary: Your school will, unfortunately, bring home the one of lesser quality.
1st Law of Drumsticks
Percussionists will lose sticks.
Corollaries: 1. Drummers will always claim that the sticks were stolen.
2. The lost sticks will miracously appear the day after new ones are bought.
Principle of Cueing Cymbal Players
Cue the cymbal player and he/she won't enter.
Corallary: Don't cue the cymbal player and he/she will enter at the wrong time.
Premature Deafness Ratio
The severity of a director's hearing loss is in direct proportion to how many percussionists he/she started each year.
Law of Doors vs. Timpani
The school's largest timpani will always be at least half an inch wider than the door to the auditorium.
Percussionist's Placebo
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Without a doubt, the percussionists will always practice visuals before they practice their music. The former will be amazing, the latter will stink.
Selective Acoustics Theorem
While they can't be heard from the director's podium, the percussion section will sound loudest where ever the judges choose to sit.
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