Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and
take all of the credit.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY_ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to
self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: All of them!
Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?
A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Computer: Insufficient information.
Q: Have you heard about the book on Betazeds?
A: It's by: Ophelia Paine.
Q: Have you read the book "Go to Warp 9..."?
A: It's by: N. Gage
Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid
Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?
A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.
Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin
Q: What did one Borg say to one another right before their ship was
destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoisted by our own Picard.
Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.
Q: Why don't the Borg go to prison?
A: Because they obey the Lore!
Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!
Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!
Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first
experiment
was a disaster; the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid
of it
by jettisoning it out of the hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him
do it,
and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall.
Spock, Spock.
Who's there?
Epsilon.
Epsilon who?
Epsilon way to Tipperary...
When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of
the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style
six-guns.
You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.
Mr. Spock: "What is formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?"
Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a
peephole
into her cabin door.
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
Q: Why was Star Trek so successful?
A: It had good Genes.
McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"
Mr. Spock: " A Syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give
me an
example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"
The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr.
McCoy
nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim. "Thanks," she answered. "I
weigh
one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"
Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.
Q: How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not
marrying Spock?
A: They were Stonned.
Q: What are eyeglasses called on Vulcan?
A: Spocktacles
Mary Sue: "I just got engaged to Kevin!"
Mary Jane: "Oh, really?"
Mary Sue: "No, Riley." (really atrocious, ed.)
Q: What kind of noise is made my Vulcan popguns?
A: T'Pau (an atrocious ""classic"", ed.)
Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.
New crewwoman: "Where do I eat?"
Uhura: "You mess with the officers."
New crewwoman: "I figured that, but where do I eat?"
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a corridor:
Crewman: "I've got a brother at Starfleet Science Academy."
Crewwoman: "What's he studying?"
Crewman: "Nothin'. They're studying him."
==========================================
Top 35 Signs There Is A Star Trek Convention In Your Hotel
1. When anyone gets on the elevator, they don't press the buttons; they just say, "Bridge!"
2. Everytime you try to order from room service, a voice yells "Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a waiter!!"
3. There's a guy in the basement all weekend who keeps phoning your room, saying "I canna give you more power, Captain! She's gonna blow any second!"
4. All the men have either bald heads or pointy ears... and they're considered sexy!!!
5. There is someone in the elevator who makes a "shsh" sound every time the door opens or closes.
6. They're selling dilithium crystals in the hotel gift shop.
7. Bele and Lokai endlessly chasing each other through the hallways.
8. Your morning wake-up call gives you the current stardate.
9. You are the only one in the lobby without a communicator button.
10. Tribbles, tribbles everywhere.
11. You knock on the door and the person inside answers "Come."
12. The party of noisy, drunken Klingons in the bar.
13. You find out that the "5 stars" are a destination, not a rating.
14. Hungry people come up to you and ask, "Help us! Where's the damn replicator?"
15. When you ask the time...someone answer you "It's 15 hrs, 32 mins, 37 secs, 14 decimals".
16. The Ferengi have taken over the gift-shop, and now $2 post cards cost $50.
17. You hear comments such as "He's dead Jim! You get his tricorder, I'll get his wallet."
18. Everyone around you as a higher IQ and a lower hygiene standard.
19. The clerk at the front desk asks if you want an assimilated or non-assimilated room.
20. The bathroom door opens every time someone walks by.
21. Every time you pick up the phone, a female voice says "Hailing frequencies open, Captain."
22. They take Visa, AMEX and gold pressed latinum for payment.
23. Bald headed guys at the bar asking for "Tea, Earl Gray, Hot."
24. Klingons, Klingons everywhere!
25. Room-service special on Blood Wine.
26. Spock brings room service.
27. Somebody asks you for a pencil-sharpener to shape his ears.
28. A guy keeps bugging you, asking if you know where they keep the "nuclear wessels."
29. Strange people keep materializing in your room.
30. The health club is booked all weekend for a bat'leth tournament.
31. Room service menu replaced by "Replicator Ration Specifications."
32. There is a brawl between a Romulan and a Vulcan in the bar.
33. Bar specials include Blood Wine & Romulan Ale.
34. There is a conference on how to get two lithium atoms to stick together.
35. All of a sudden the fight music starts playing at the bar.
================================
*** YOUR STARSHIP CAPTAIN MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... ***
...your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month
...he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
...you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
...he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
...he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
...he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
...he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
...he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
...he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
...he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
...he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
...he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
...he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
...he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
...he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
...he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
...he paints the starship John Deere green
...he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
...he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
...his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
...he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
...his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
...he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
...his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
=================================
*** HOW DIFFERENT STARFLEET COMMANDERS HANDLE HIGH-PRESSURE SITUATIONS ***
The situation : The Enterprise is under attack and various commanders have only enough time for one last order. How is this tense situation handled by different characters?
Scotty: "Why, ya lily-livered poor excuse for a silly puddy potato head, I oughta blastya t'Ceti Alpha Six!"
McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not a solider!"
Geordi: "Reroute the phase inducers and heterodyne the frequency of the warp coil!"
Worf: "yopwaHHomwIj yISop, romuluSngan (Eat my shorts, Romulan)!"
Spock: (Raises eyebrow)
Data: "Romulan commander! Your actions are most unnecessary and are not in keeping with the established treaties. May I advise you of the current political situation which threatens the very continuity of the principles involved. A corollary I might point out would be that of..."
Riker: "Shields UP! Red ALERT! Captain to the BRIDGE!"
Picard: "Open hailing frequencies so that I can cower and plead!"
Troi: " I feel, I feel, uhhhhh! "
Kirk: " FIRE!"
[I get the impression that in a firefight with the Romulans -- or anyone else -- Kirk and Worf together would be unbeatable...@;-)]
===============================
*** TOP 10 REASONS STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION WAS CANCELLED ***
1. The writers discovered that plots were left out of 156 episodes.
2. Worf was discovered to be half-Irish. [Huh?]
3. Toy Geordi visors caused a rash of traffic accidents across the country.
4. It was discovered after all these years that the concept of the Starship Enterprise was actually upside down.
5. Poor sales of Capt. Picard skinhead wigs.
6. The series was so politically correct, it caused an epidemic of nausea across North America.
7. A faulty Intel processor caused Data to occasionally scream obscenities at fellow cast members.
8. There was more profit in crummy Star Trek movies.
9. They ran out of new "poses" for Cmdr. Riker.
10. Patrick Stewart refused to have another Borg implant operation for the sequel.
============================
*** A STAR TREK LIMERICK ***
Sarek and Amanda were dating.
Amanda was patiently waiting
For signs of romance:
Soft words, a slow dance --
What she got was an efficiency rating!
==================================
*** THE BORG ***
All a Borg!
~ #1 on the BORG Hit Parade: We all sleep in a single subroutine.
~ #2 on the Borg Hit Parade: Borg in the USA.
~ What do the Borg use as a spreadsheet? - Locutus 1-2-3.
~ BorgCola, choice of the Next Generation.
~ BorgerKing. We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
~ Borg Sticker: "Don't like our driving? Call 1-800-IRRELEVANT."
~ BorgDOS v5.0 - Assimilate another? (Y/Y)
~ Blonde Borgs have the same fun.
~ Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Tagline theft is futile.
~ Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Taglines are irrelevant.
~ Borg Moderator - Your topic is irrelevant.
~ Borg Starter Kit: Some assimilation required.
~ Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.
~ Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/Y)
~ Borg, James Borg. Vodka martini, gin is irrelevant.
~ Borg-again Christian. Resistance to my sermon is futile.
~ BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename.
~ Clinton Borg - The economy is irrelevant.
~ Ernest BORGnine... you be the judge.
~ GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO - Borg subroutines.
~ Gates of Borg: OEMs will be assimilated.
~ Groucho Borg: That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated.
~ HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.
~ I am Hillary of Borg. Choice is irrelevant.
~ I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?
~ I am Caffeine of Borg. Sleep is irrelevant.
~ I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
~ I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated.
~ I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
~ I am Elvis of Borg. Assimilate me tender.
~ I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
~ I am NBC of Borg. You will be affiliated.
~ I am Porky Pig of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it.
~ Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I will.
~ I am Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc_ is futil_.
~ I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with "R" and is futile.
~ I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.
~ I am Java of Borg. Coffee is irrelevant. You will be decaffinated.
~ I am Troi of Borg. All your dark milk chocolate will be assimilated.
~ I am Letterman of Borg. OK, Top 10 Reasons why resistance is futile...
~ I am Ohm of Borg. Resistance is V/I...
~ I am Murphy of Borg. Anything that can be assimilated will be.
~ I am Obi-Wan of Borg. Killing me is futile.
~ I am WIN95 of Borg! Prepare...OOPS, out of memory!
~ I am Troi of Borg. Tell me...how does assimilation make you feel?
~ I am Khan of Borg. From hell's heart I assimilate thee...
~ I am Descartes of Borg. I assimilate, therefore I am.
~ I am Fudd of Borg! Pwepawe to be assimiwated! Wesistance is usewess!
~ I am Garfield of Borg. Hairballs are irrelevant.
~ I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
~ I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be...ooooohh, doughnuts!
~ I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.
~ I am OS/2 of Borg. DOS will be assimilated.
~ I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated.
~ I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.
~ I am Tweety of Borg. I tawt I attimiwated a puddy tat!
~ I am Yoda of Borg. Irrelevant the Force is.
~ I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.
~ Sam of Borg I am, and I will not assimilate green eggs and ham!
~ McBorgers: Over 50 million assimilated.
~ My other computer is a Borg.
~ Pythagoras of Borg - Distance is irrelevant.
~ Quayle of Borg - Inhaling is irrelevant.
~ Bjorn Borg - Tennis is irrelevant.
~ The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.
~ The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!
~ The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.
~ The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
~ U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.
~ I am Uhura of Borg. Assimilation frequencies open, sir.
~ We are Borg. [ESC] is futile [CTRL] is inevitable.
~ We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!
~ We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
~ We are Tribbles of Borg. Prepare to be replicated.
~ Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant.
~ I am Daffy Duck of Borg. Yoooouuuuu'rreee irrelevant!
~ Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE THE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later.
========================
The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings, they had trouble deciding how to eat him. The Kzinti captain had the last word. He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down."
===============================
A young man was applying to join Starfleet:
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
"Earth, sir."
"What part?"
"All of me, sir."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert? He never forgets a phaser.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where does a ten-foot Mugato sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a ten-foot Mugato? Sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and McCoy down to the recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style six-guns. You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was STAR TREK so successful? It had good Genes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Kirk: "Since all of you crewmembers performed so inefficiently today, there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven."
Voice: "Give me liberty or give me death!"
Kirk: "Who said that?"
Voice: "Patrick Henry."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
McCoy: "Should we have a friendly game of cards?"
Kirk: "No, let's play poker."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kirk was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewman approached and asked to speak to him.
"Go ahead, son," Kirk said. "It's kind of confidential, captain. I'd rather not say it in front of the ensign."
"Well," said Kirk, "spell it then."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Noticing medals on Balok's chest, Kirk asked, "Did you win those in combat?"
"Oh, no," said Balok. "I don't believe in military service."
"Did you shrink from battle?" asked Kirk.
"No," shrugged Balok, "I've always been this size."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the ENTERPRISE crew beamed down to the Guardian of Forever, Dr. McCoy refused to go through.
"You're all the same," he grumbled, "In one era and out the other."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lieutenant Kyle: "Dr. McCoy, I sleep all day, stay awake all night. I'm hot all the time and can't stop dancing. And I see rings before my eyes! What's wrong with me?"
McCoy: "Sounds like Saturn Day Night Fever."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. McCoy was impressed by the professional manner of new ENTERPRISE psychiatrist Dr. Zhrink. After a long shift, an amazed McCoy asked him, "how can you stay so fresh and cool after eight hours of listening to such terrible problems?"
Dr. Zhrink shrugged. "Who listens?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
McCoy: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer: "We serve anybody. Sit down."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Mudd was arrested and charged with fraud for selling maps to the Fountain of Youth. When computer records were checked, it was discovered he had been arrested for the same offense in 1716, 1986, 2005, and Stardate 25.8.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Mudd was on trial again.
"Harry," said the judge, "You're accused of throwing your wife, Stella, out of the window. This is a most serious crime."
"But your honor," cried Harry, "be lenient. You've met my wife."
"Yes," answered the judge with a shudder, "and I don't blame you for what you did. But don't you understand-- she could have LANDED on somebody?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarek and Amanda were dating
Amanda was patiently waiting
For signs of romance
Soft words, a slow dance
What she got was an efficiency rating
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems the Klingons had a diabolical plan to trap the ENTERPRISE in silver paper.
Luckily, the plan was foiled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Below are some "standard" ethnic jokes.]
Do you know what they call a Klingon with half a brain? Gifted!
Do you know what they call a Klingon with no brain at all? Normal.
What is the longest four years of a Klingon's life? Third Grade.
How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree? Wave to him.
Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep trying to cover them up.
Why did the Klingon cross the road? To conquer the other side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in walked a strange alien being. He was eight feet tall, weighted less than a hundred pounds, and had orange skin, purple hair, and six yellow eyes. To top it all off, he was wearing a red-and-blue-striped suit. Scotty stared at him for a long while and finally rose and staggered over to the being.
"Pardon me for askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink elephant and a rhinoceros came strolling in. The bartender shook his head. "Sorry, boys, Scotty hasn't come in yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head. "Scotty, I can't find any reason for your stomach pains. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case, Leonard," said Scotty, "I'll come back when you're sober."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Spock: "A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give me an example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A visiting admiral approached Chekov's station on the ENTERPRISE. Thinking he would test the young officer, he asked, "What would you do if the weapons officer suddenly got his head blown off?"
"Nothing, sir."
"Why nothing?"
"Because I'm the weapons officer, sir."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument?
Science Friction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sulu: "I've just discovered that Ilia's sister is a redhead."
Chekov: "But I thought Deltans don't have any hair."
Sulu: "She doesn't. She just has a red head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Show me Uhura reciting verse at warpspeed...and I'll show you poetry in motion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uhura was working at her console when she suddenly straightened up. "I think there's a sick crewmember on Deck 9," she said. As no message had been received, Kirk was baffled, but sent McCoy to check it out. Sure enough, the doctor reproted that a crewmember had, indeed, collapsed where Uhura had predicted.
Impressed, Kirk turned to her. "You must be psychic, Uhura. How did you know that crewman was ill?"
Uhura smiled. "I had my ailing frequencies open, sir."
======================
Signs That STAR TREK is Taking Over Your Life:
Saying "engage," "make it so," or "I'm a doctor, not a …" in casual conversation.
Becoming indignant that the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first.
More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.
Have figured out the stardate system.
Being able to speak several nonexistent languages like Klingon, Romulan, or Bajoran.
You find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower, and you know all the words.
You always win a free slice when the local pizza place has Star Trek trivia questions.
Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.
You have rigged up your cellular phone or PDA to "chirp" when you open it.
You have more than one STAR TREK font installed on your computer.
You don't need any of the references on this list explained to you.
==================================
Star Trek The Musical!
selection #10
Music: title theme from "Gilligan's Island"
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a maiden trip,
That started from this deep space port,
Aboard this Starfleet ship.
The mate was a mighty dorky guy,
The skipper, bald and bold,
The ship was ordered to Farpoint,
For a two-part episode, a two-part episode.
The ship got captured by the Q,
The awful script was rough,
If not for the fervor of the fearless fans,
We would have turned it off, we would have turned it off.
Now, the ship is boldly going
Where no one has gone before,
With Jean-Luc Picard, and Riker too,
The red-head Doc, and her son,
The Betazoid,
An android and a Klingon man,
Here on the Enterprise!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #9
Music: "Home on the Range"
Singers: the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D
Oh give me a home, where the Captain's a chrome-dome,
Where the crew on the holodeck play.
Where seldom the words "fire phasers" are heard,
And Wesley at school is away.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #8
Music: "With Catlike Tread" from "The Pirates of Penzance"
by Gilbert and Sullivan
Singers: the r.a.s.* canon police
We canon-heads
Don't accept all Trek.
Only what's on film
The rest can go to heck.
No books at all!
We don't believe a word
Even if it was okayed by the Great Bird.
So steadily we flame the techs
For spouting off Franz Joseph's specs
Trekkers on r.a.s!
Watch our local station
Do a Vulcan salutation
Keep canonicity
Free of FASA's blasphemy!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #7
Music: theme from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they'll be toasted
R.I.P.
They rarely last through more than just one scene,
Every time you look, they're dying on the screen,
When that bug-eyed monster attacks,
Those security guys are nothin' but snacks.
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Shouldn't ever beam down
R.I.P.
Those red-shirt guys are really up the creek,
They never live to come back the next week,
Bear the brunt of every attack,
So many croak, you can't keep track.
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they'll be toasted
R.I.P.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #6
Music: Monty Python's lumberjack song
Singer: Commander Riker
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I sign reports,
I go to the lavatory.
I hang out with the Captain, and he makes me drink Earl Grey tea!
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I grow my beard,
I lead the away teams.
I've scored on every planet onto which I have been beamed!
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I play poker, I skip and jump,
I visit Risa when on leave.
When I whip out my horgon, the babes all run to me!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #5
Music: "Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer
Singer: Captain Picard a.k.a. M.C. Baldo
My, my, my, my starship is
So cool
Makes me say
Look here, fool
the Enterprise is
So rad
With its 2-Live crew
And Captain so bad
I've met Romulans and Ferengi and dissed 'em
A superfly French guy from the Sol system
And you know, you can't say no
When I tell you to... Make it so!
Make it so!
Make it so!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Make it so!
Make it so!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #4
Music: "Takin' Care of Business" by B.T.O.
Singer: Wesley Crusher
I get up every mornin'
To the alarm clock's warnin'
And take the turbo-lift up to the bridge.
I'm in charge of navigation
So I've got to man my station
For an acting ensign, quite a privilege.
And if there's some threat
Well, you sure as heck can bet
That I'll figure out a way to save the day!
If you ever get annoyed at this acting ensign boy,
Well, I'm not the one who writes it, okay?
I'll be savin' the Enterprise, every day,
Savin' the Enterprise, every way,
Savin' the Enterprise, it gets old,
Savin' the Enterprise, in every episode.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #3
Music: "There's a Hole in the Bucket"
Singers: Geordi LaForge and Leah Brahms
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah,
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, a hole.
Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, patch the hole.
With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, with what?
Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a phase shift.
And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, just how?
Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, the polarity.
How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, just how?
Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, the crystals.
With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, with what?
With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a proton beam.
And how shall I make it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I make it, dear Leah, this beam?
Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, extend the field.
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah...
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #2
Music: excerpt from "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Singer: Commander Riker (with fan chorus)
Captain, just got offered a command,
It's the third or fourth this year,
But I really like it here,
Oh Captain, I'm the show's co-star,
Do they think I'm gonna just throw that away?
I see a pretty good director of a man
Jonathan Frakes! Jonathan Frakes! Will you direct the next episode?
Phaser bolts and lightning, very very frightening me
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo, Ferengi. (Magnifico!)
I am just a poor boy, nobody loves me,
He is just a poor boy, with poor acting ability,
Spare us the fans from this monstrosity!
Easy come, easy go, do you think he'll go?
Bismillah! No, he will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Never, never, never will I go - leave the show!
No no no no no no no!
O mama mia, mama mia, mama mia leave the show.
Starfleet Command has a vessel put aside for me, for me,
For me!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #1
Music: the tune of "Abdul Abulbul Amir"
The box office profits are valuable as gold
So the crew for the big screen did steer
And of all their six movies, the worst I am told
Is Star Trek: The Final Frontier.
Spock had a half-brother, the idea was lame
The F\X were all below par
In the credits the name, William Shatner, it came
Under writer, director, and star.
It was a disaster, the bomb was complete
It was worse than we even had feared
Sybok wasn't the only one feeling the pain
At this God-awful movie's premier!
==========================
Starship Rednecks
Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If...
- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"
=======================
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
--------------------------------------------------------
10) ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9) yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
a shuttlecraft
8) screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7) spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6) lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms
5) sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
Dick Hertz is there
4) asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver"
3) Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2) telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead! Make it so!"
1) putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up
The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation
(including a preview of the first TNG movie!)
10) Breeding Grounds - Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally
served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with
Klingon aphrodisiacs
9) Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d'etat) - Q endows every Starfleet
uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling; the
Captain breaks the record for most shirt-tugging "Picard
Maneuvers" in one episode
8) The Bonding II - Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table
in his ready room
7) Deanna Does Pallas - while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar
System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive
reaches its peak
6) Hell Hath No Fury - Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding
him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated
bimbo
5) Globular Mustard - an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the
Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me,
do you have any Grey Poupon?"
4) Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) - Q puts
humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and
tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater
that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday
3) The Funted - superior aliens sieze the Enterprise claiming that they wish
to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is
really on Galactic Candid Camera
2) Out, Out, Damn Spot - Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a
hairball on Captain Picard
1) Star Trek VII: Up the Creek - Wesley and three of his pals must win a
river rafting race for Starfleet Academy
TOP 10 Problems Wesley Crusher has at the Starfleet Academy
-----------------------------------------------------------
10. Keeps bumping into doors that don't open for him
9. Doesn't have his Mommy to protect him
8. Will not get his credits in Transporter Science after he accidentally
relocated the Academy to South Pole
7. Boothby "accidentally" spraying water on him every chance he can
6. Letters from Hugh G. Rection
5. Former Nova Teammates putting anti-matter in his bed
4. Thought his instructors were kidding when they said "You think you are
so smart? YOU teach the damned class!"
3. Academy Internet node does not carry alt.sex newsgroups
2. The commencement speaker will be the Captian of the Boseman
and the number one problem for Wesley Crusher at the Starfleet Academy:
1. He never gets to save the Academy from destruction
the TOP TEN T-shirts worn by members of the Enterprise crew
-----------------------------------------------------------
10) (Wesley) Starfleet Academy Funnel Team
9) (Riker) Play Jazz Naked
8) (Worf) Klingons do NOT wear funny T-shirts!
7) (Picard) Make it so!
6) (O'Brien) Beam THIS up!
5) (Data) Cochrane's equations
4) (Wesley) Hard Rock Cafe - Tau Ceti
3) (Geordi) Wanna see my dilithium crystals?
2) (Riker) My Captain got assimilated by the Borg, and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt!
1) (Picard) Starship Captains do it at warp speed!
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOUR ROOMMATE IS A BORG
10. Their clothes are always black
9. The $50,000 phone bills
8. They spend 3 weeks in Florida and still look white
7. Your home entertainment center disappears, two days later they are
wearing it.
6. TV reception gets poor when they walk by
5. They spend more time reading newsgroups than you do
4. Whenever you talk to them the laser on the side of their head
blings you
3. An electronics store chain used them as a mascot
2. They assimilate all your food
and the number one way to tell if your roommate is a Borg
1. Everything is irrelavant
TOP 10 MYSTERIES OF STAR TREK
10. Why are Geordi's best freinds and android and a Borg?
9. How come after 73 episodes of TOS, 6 movies and 126 episodes of TNG--
we have yet to see a bathroom or somone using it?
8. Whatever happened to all those planets Kirk visited where he violated
the prime directive?
7. Why would any TOS character want to appear in a TNG episode with the
title "Relics"?
6. How come the cast of TNG sued to stop blooper reels but not "Cost of
Living"?
5. Why does the Enterprise have a French Captian with an English accent?
4. Who was Leonard Nimoy buying the 5 Shuttlecraft ornaments for anyway?
3. How come Starfleet can make something sophisticated as the Enterprise
yet still not get Picard's uniform to fit right?
2. Why are the Romulains still putting up with Sela?
and the number one Mystery of Star Trek
1. If they really do read the newsgroups, what do they think of my lists?
Top Ten Pranks at Q University
------------------------------
10. Melting Professors!
9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!
8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during
football games.
7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.
6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm rooms.
5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.
4. Going to the prom *as* your date.
3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!
2. Interdimensional panty raids.
1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!
TOP 10 NEW STAR TREK TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS
10. "Borg Adapter Kit" Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will
allow you to assimilate any of your action figures
9. "Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility"
8. "Borg Ship" with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts
of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy
7. "My First Tricorder"
6. "Holodeck play set" You two can recreate all those great holodeck
program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with
Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to
minors)
5. "Screwed-up timeline Series" Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes"
A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
D. Time's arrow Play set (complete with Data's head, two pocket
watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)
4. "Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory"
3. "Kill Wesly Play Set" Now you can finally do all those things to
Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with "Crash Test Dummy"
Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)
2. "Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set" With falling barrels, crates of
leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an
unstable gateway to another world.
and the number one Star Trek Toy this Crhistmas:
1. A fully functional Phaser
TOP 10 REJECTED HALLMARK ORNAMENTS
10. Ferengi Ship, plays the message "Merry Christmas Human, I didn't pay
retail for my presents, do I look stupid!"
9. 'Time's Arrow' Data's Head. Does nothing, but the eyes light up
8. U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-C. Press a button and it appears on your tree
22 years in the future
7. U.S.S. Bozeman, playes the message "Hey, is that a ship in front of us, try
to dodge it! Hey, is that a ship in front of us?..."
6. Borg ship, plays the message "Your life as you know it is now over,
resistance is futile, Happy Holidays"
5. Klingon warbird, plays the message "Klingons do not Celebrate Holidays
with gifts, they celebrate with pain sticks"
4. From TOS, Nomad. It plays "I am Nomad, I am perfect, Happy Holidays"
3. Cloaked Romulain Warbird (a hook attatched to nothing)
2. Exocomp ornament. Automatically repairs burned-out christmas lights
and the number one rejected Hallmark Ornament
1. TNG Shuttlecraft, with Montgomery Scott saying "Happy Holidays lad"
Top Ten Signs That Star Fleet is Communist
------------------------------------------
10. The guys in charge wear Red.
9. The endearing way the crew says "Comrade Jean Luc Picard."
8. The computer always knows the whereabouts of each crew member.
7. Heck, Worf's Russian!
6. Those five-year missions sound an awful lot like Lenin's Five Year Plans.
5. Whenever a child shows any talent, they ship him off to a special academy.
4. Almost all male crew members wear commie pinko beards.
3. Star Fleet claims to never interfere with local situations --
yeah, right!
2. Who else but commies would want a crew member who could read thoughts?
1. Capitalist Ferengi are EVIL!
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