1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. If someone is heading your way with what looks like a job for you or you just want to sound busy as the boss is walking around your department, have a conversation with the phone. Sound very serious but distant. "I'm very busy, I can't do this right now. No, not at all. Just e-mail it to me. Yes, I will check it later."
11. Write big words on file folders, to emphasize how URGENT a task is and how soon something is DUE. If companies send you documents or products to examine, make sure you leave their huge stacks of corporate propaganda on your desk.
12. Your "TO DO" box should be filled, but your "DONE" box should be overflowing with files (never mind that they're empty).
13. Always look preoccupied and busy with a task. Walk really quickly through the office and if someone starts talking to you "Not now, I'm swamped. E-mail me, I'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible!" All those deadlines, I tell ya.
14. Get to work slightly before everyone else. Make yourself look a bit stressed (undue your tie or mess up your hair a bit). Each time someone from your department arrives (especially your boss), look at them, look at your watch and then back at them with a look of disbelief and disgust. Increase exponentially for each minute late they arrive.
15. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
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Thing you will need to make it look like you are working hard when you are not in the office:
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Steaming Hot Cup of Coffee (looks like you just made a cup and put it on your desk)
Spare Car Keys and a Spare Wallet, to leave on your desk
Spare Briefcase to put next to your desk
Dead Mobile Phone left next to keyboard (call forward all calls to your real cellphone).
Customized Desk Calendar with random late meetings scrawled like "Meeting with JP 5:30-7:00 PM in Conf Room" (Who is going to go searching for you or wait till 7:00 when you get back !?). The calendar can also remind you of HR birthdays, for that added touch of brown-nosing.
An email left open on your screen demanding your presence at an offsite meeting.
A macro or screen saver that constantly looks like you are progressing in a spreadsheet, refreshing every 5 minutes, so anyone coming back would see that you are working on something but perhaps you had to leave for a minute.
Lots of Post-It Notes (with important tasks written on them)
An E-mail timer (a standard feature in Microsoft Outlook) - Email colleagues randomly throughout the day with messages like "Can you email me the latest TPS report? I deleted it accidentally. "
A jacket to leave on the back of your chair
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If you get caught taking a nap at your desk, you can use one of these excuses:
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"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was working smarter, not harder."
"I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
"I'm in the management training program."
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"The coffee machine is broken."
"The instant data transfer from the computer is working!"
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"
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USEFUL WORK PHRASES
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* How about never? Is never good for you?
* I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
* Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
* I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
* Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
* I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
* The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
* I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
* Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
* What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
* I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
* Thank you.We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
* It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
* Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
* No, my powers can only be used for good.
* I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
* You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
* Are you a damn ray of sunshine every day?
* I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
* I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
* I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
* Who me? I just wander from room to room.
* My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
* It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
* At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. |
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