Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. (Al Capp)
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
At some time in the life cycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my job is done here.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.
Employee to company lawyer: "I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be executed. Can you help?"
Lawyer: "Sure. What would I have to do - pull a lever?"
Employer: "I'm looking for a part time Girl-Friday. Are you interested?"
Applicant: "No, thanks. I'm all girl seven days a week!"
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)
Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I love deadlines - especially the swooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
I used to be a banker...but I lost interest.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend upon me.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
It's a thankless job but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
It might be said that it is the ideal of the employer to have production without employees and the ideal of the employee is to have income without work. (E. F. Schumacher)
It sure does make the day long when you get to work on time!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted. (Catherine O'Hara)
I've been promoted to middle management. I never thought I'd sink so low. (Tim Gould)
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)
The less you bother me, the sooner we'll get results.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their products as they do advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. (Will Rogers)
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. (Kin Hubbard)
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Management expands to meet the needs of management.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. (Peter F. Drucker)
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!
Office manager to employees:
Don't think of me as a boss. Think of me as a friend who is always right.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. (Bertrand Russell)
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear ties.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. (Ogden Nash)
The rat race is over - the rats won!
Research is the act of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Sign in a store window: We buy old furniture - We sell antiques
Sign posted in a customer service department:
Suppose we refund your money,
send you another one without charge,
close the store, and have the manager shot.
Would THAT be satisfactory?!
The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator (Scott Adams).
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. (Mary Little)
There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. (Scott Adams)
They earned a precarious living by taking in one another's washing.
A tidy desk is the sign of a sick mind.
Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.
We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
When working for British Telecom a few years back, I was given a brown envelope by a manager who asked me to fax it to regional headquarters. When I started to open it I was told: "Mustn't open, the contents are confidential - just fax it."
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
The world is full of willing people.
Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising budget is big enough. (Ed Rollins)
You can have it right or you can have it now, but you can't have it right now.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
"Columbus did not know where he was going. When he got back, he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on borrowed money. There's hope for all of us." -bumper sticker
Accountant Quotes
Accountants are top dollar!
Accountant's Maxim: When you make a mistake of adding the date to the right side of the accounting statement, you must add it to the left side too.
Accountants work their assets off!
C.P.A. - Certified Pain in the A**!
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants.
I'm an accountant...not a magician! |
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