While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."
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Patient: "Doctor, I hear all kinds of animals talking in my head."
Doctor: "Don't worry, you're just having Disney spells."
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A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
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After the college boy delivered the pizza to a trailer house, the man asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so? Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked the man.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
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Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive; please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, and 5
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on...."
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Passive Personality Testing for Employers
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Planning.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Information Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
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Quotes:
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
--F. Scott Fitzgerald
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.
I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.
What women and psychologists call "dropping your armor," we call "baring your neck."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I often dream about being carried away by a giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?
Once I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Being in therapy is like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
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