A.A.A.A.A. - an organization for drunks who drive
abundunce - a dumb bunny
accordionated - able to drive and refold a road map at the same time
aeroma - the odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster
ambidextrose - able to put sugar in coffee with both hands
amoebit - an amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time
andropause - the end of virility
anthropawmorphic - a dog with hands
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
anythingarian - a person who changes religions religiously
apauling - vitamin C deficiency
aquadextrous - possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with one's toes
aqualibrium - the point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye
audioptics - the act of turning down the car stereo while looking for an address in an unknown neighborhood
baggravation - a feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have
bananosecond - time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
banectomy - [Sniglets] the removal of bruises on a banana
baroclinic - where one takes a broken barometer
bathquake - the violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point
baudy house - a bordello with a modem
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
BBS trek - the text generation
Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out
bizoo - one of the millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball
blithwapping - using anything but a hammer to pound a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
Borg Cable Co. - the subscriber's wishes are irrelevant
Borg cola - the choice of the next generation
Borg trivial pursuit - assimilating irrelevant information
Borg TV - only has one channel; anything else is irrelevant
Bozone - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
bris and tell - a detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story
bromo-sexual - an individual who finds sex nauseating
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
bullemia - ability to tell endless tall tales
burbulation - the obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on
bureaucat - kitty who sleeps on your undies
burgacide - when a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals
burglesque - a poorly planned break-in; see Watergate
bustard - very rude metro bus driver
buzzacks - people in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected
cabinicreep - When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open
carperpetuation - the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance
cashtration - the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
caterpallor the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating
Catifornia - the sunshine state for cats
catolick - a religiously clean kitty
chairity - donating your La-Z-Boy
Chequeuary - the thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
chicloexdus - the route taken by a gumball to avoid capture
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
choconiverous - biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first
chutzpapa - a father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper
cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters
compalatable - two people with the same taste in art
crapezoid - the area within earshot of a politician's megaphone
cyber-dog food - kibbles and bytes, and bytes and bytes
decafaflon - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
deifenestration - to throw all talk of God out the window
dêjà stew - [Culin.] leftovers
dentopedology - the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it
Depotphobia - fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia
dijon vu - feeling that you've tasted this mustard before
dimp a person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
discahkentude - looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn
disconfect - to sterilize the piece of candy dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs
disoriyenta - when Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes
doltergeist - a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank
Dopelar effect - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly
ECNALUBMA - a rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror
elbonics - the actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater
Eiffelites - gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit
elastiphobia - fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks" during pregnancy
elecelleration - the mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive
elephone - how elephants call home
elifino - what happens when you cross a elephant and a rhino
essoasso - guy who cuts through gas station to avoid the red light
extraterrestaraunt - an eating establishment where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon, also "E-T-ry"
Fahrvergnukie - sex in a Volkswagen
faunacation - how wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Leads to faunacatering, which has made a meal of many species
eunough - the pain of castration
faux pass - a fake hall pass
feastiality - sexual food fetish
fecalish grin - the distortion of the face after stepping on hot dog feces while barefoot
fee-fi-fo-bia - fear of giants
fenderberg - the large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms
flannister - the plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together
flatulance - an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
flopcorn - the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker
flowie - a tall, thin, long legged woman dressed in long flowing skirts with loose accessories in either earth tones or bright colors
F-mail - report cards mailed to parents of poor students
foodwinking - giving exotic names to otherwise mundane food products
fobia - the fear of misspelled words
foreploy - a misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
fornicat - a promiscuous pussy
frisbyterianism - belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
frust - the small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until one finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug
funkinetics - a very energetic form of step aerobics that mixes exercise and soul music
furbling - having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line
further-fetched - beyond far-fetched
garmites - clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home
gemuine - an authentic precious stone
genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use
giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up
Gleemites - petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks
glimo - to attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine
gnagloot - a person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people
Grantartica - a cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding
gurmlish - the red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth
hindkerchief - really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at the White House
idiot box - the part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves
ignisecond - the overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "My keys are in there!"
ignoranus - a person who's stupid at both ends
impotience - eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription
inoculatte - to take coffee intravenously when running late
intaxication - euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
jeanealogy - study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims
karmageddon - it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer
kinstirpation - a painful inability to move relatives who come to visit
Klaustrophobia - fear of Germans
krogt - the metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards; chemical symbol Kg
lactomangulation - manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side
lambpoon - to make fun of sheep
L'eggs benedict - socks for monks
little boa sheep - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own flock
looth - a loose tooth
lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep
lysdexia - a peech imspediment we live to learn with
maggit - a subscription card that falls from a magazine
magnocartic - an automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts
mallennium - a thousand years of shopping
meanderthal - an annoying individual moving slowly and aimlessly in front of another individual who is in a bit of a hurry
millihelen - the amount of beauty required to launch one ship
mittsquinter - a ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there
Mooses - Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods
mustgo - an item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project
narcolepulacyi - the contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn
nazigator - an overbearing member of your carpool
neophancy - a fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life
nophylactic - a form of birth control; unlike the prophylactic's barrier method, the nophylactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception
osteopornosis - a degenerate disease
pedaeration - the act of achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed
pedalthermic - the ability to adjust the hot water tap with your toes in the bath
pediddel - [? Sniglet] a car with only one working headlight
peppier - the waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper
Perry Masson - television lawyer who will solve no case before its time
peternity - responsibility for a pet for a long, long time
petribar - a sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long
petrophobic - one who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet
phonesia - the affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer
phosflink - to flick a bulb on and off when it burns out as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life
Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic breeding of macaws and cockatoos
polish fly - you put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling
pompomposity - cheerleader arrogance
posh mortem - death styles of the rich and famous
potus interruptus - a sexual encounter prematurely ended when the secret service man assigned to you hollers that the wife has returned; POTUS: President of the United States
pro boner - in favor of erections
procastinator - a fishing expert, gifted at casting lures
procatstinate - when a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside
procrastinapping - the period of sleep between when the alarm first goes off and when you finally get out of bed
pronoia - the suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you
psychoceramics - the study of crackpots
pupkus - the moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it
purpitation - to take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section
purranoia - the fear that your cat is up to something
purrpetual motion - a kitty playing
purrpetual - everlasting love for domesticated felines
purrson - a male kitty
purrverse - poem about a cat
pussability - a surprised kitty's "boing"
reintarnation - returning in your next life as a hillbilly
religious roulette - when you stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first
sadoequinecrophilia - beating a dead horse
sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it
schlattwhapper - a window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in one's face
schnuffel a dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed company
schwiggle - the amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil
scribline - the blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes
shrinking violent - a shy gangster
sinema - where you watch naughty movies
slurm - the slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long
smoreplay - what Smurfs do before they smuck
snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips
Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized
Sosumi - a new Japanese restaurant for lawyers
spagmump - one of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items
spirobits - the frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook
spirtle - the fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in one's eye
splintercourse - the sexual act in an outdoor setting; I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the mile marker 189 rest stop
squatcho - the button at the top of a baseball cap
storment - all those really good comebacks you wished you'd said to your previous partner, now directed unknowingly at your new partner
sudzicle - ice-cold beer
Sushido - the way of the tuna
tatercrater - hole dug in mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in
taterfamilias - head of the potato head family
tatyr - a lecherous Mr. Potato Head
telecrastination - the act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away
telepression - the deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant
Thomas Alva Edselson - inventor of the electric lemon
threek - a fork with a bent tine
toilet toupee - a shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users
tommororororororo - a lawn mower that won't start
toupalactic - a powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question
tunar - sonarlike device in can that causes cats to appear
vaseball - a game of catch played by children in the living room
vêjà du - feeling you've never been there before; also, vuja de
Viagraccino - one cup and you're up all night
Viagra Falls - a honeymoon spot for chemically enhanced romantics
viropause - the end of virility
wargasm - sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight; I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!
weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the interstate
Widows 95 - women who don't have an e-male
witlag - the delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke
writer's tramp - a woman who practices poetic licentiousness
xenaphobia - the fear of warrior princesses
XIIdigitation - the act of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits
yinkel - a man who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice |
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