Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
Q: How many Alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Architects does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get planning permission for the new one.
Q: How many Art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that".
Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
Q: How many Bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
Q: How many Baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
A: What's a light.
Q: How many Born-again Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Whoever heard of a born-again Christian who couldn't see the light?
Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. (12 altogether)
Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
Q: How many Chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many College football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, and he gets three credits for it.
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it.
Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
A: Two: one to deny that it's gone out, and one to say that it's burning more brightly than under any previous Labour government.
A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.
Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
A: Potato.
Q: How many Data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie-dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.
Q: How many Deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
Q: How many Designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many Disgruntled former postal workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hide under a desk with the new bulb.
Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.
Q: How many Euthanasia supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he changes it before it goes out so it can go 'in style'.
Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who cares, we're all gonna die anyway.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group!
A: 7: 1 to change the lightbulb; 3 to protest the offense committed by the lightbulb in regards to the socket; 2 to secretly wish they were the socket; 1 to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40-one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: How many Fraternity/sorority members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts.
Q: How many Fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.
Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem, dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.
Q: How many Head Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "LAMP", idiot! It's called a "lamp"!
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.
A: Two - one to hold the bulb whilst the other turns the house.
Q: How many people does it take to change a bulb for one Jewish mother?
A: None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone.".
Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
A: Two-one to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call Daddy.
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: 65-42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership".
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let L be a finite set, containing lightbulbs........
Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.
A: Six. One to climb up an invisible ladder, one to get the imaginary bulb, one to hand the bulb up to the mime on the ladder, who holds it up while two more turn the imaginary ladder in mockery of lightbulb jokes.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
Q: How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you have to get them in there.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?
Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How long have you been having this fantasy?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Research professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - that's what research students are for.
A: Well if I get the grant...
Q: How many rock guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and 99 to say "Aww, I could've done that".
Q: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.
Q: How many sorority pledges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb, 59 to clap and sing.
Q: How many Soviet leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many standup comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to twist balloons into unusual shapes and the other to fill a bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
A: Fish.
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many Taxi drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "I'm not going all the way up there mate!".
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
A: 65
-Why 65?
I don't know, it's in the contract.
Q: How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Bono stands there holding the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many undertakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
A: Zen masters carry their own inner light.
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