What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
Shotgun wedding = A case of wife or death.
What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass... and the other is a chimpanzee.
My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.
What is most embarrasing thing that can happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking his nose.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
Why do men wear hair gel and aftershave?
Because they're often under increasing pressure from a society which over simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes OR is it because they're ugly and they smell bad?
Why can't little girls fart?
They don't get assholes till they're married.
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, 'Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.'
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
A woman posted a personal ad that read, "Husband wanted". The next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between a man & a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly & always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows. It's never happened.
Why did God create women?
He realized he made a mistake the first time.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four men watching a football game.
Why did the tribes in Israel wander the desert for forty years?
Because even back then, men wouldn't stop to ask directions.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so she can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and childbirth?
One is an almost unbearable pain and the other involves having a baby.
Why do men tend to name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for them.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway!
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
When you want a man to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable, but it makes you look just like his remote control.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit.
I married Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
Husband: "Will you love me when I grow old and overweight?"
Wife: "Yes I do."
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because men are pigs.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
How do you know when your wife is a lousy cook?
She uses the smoke detector as a timer.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How can you tell good mushrooms from bad ones?
Serve them to your mother-in-law. If she drops dead, they're good!
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What food describes most men?
Jerky.
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About forty-five minutes.
How many men does it take to shingle a roof?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
There was a lady who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for him. They got married - and now she is going through HELL!
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
How can you tell if a man is excited?
He's breathing.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time a bikini goes by.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
What do you call a man who has lost 99% of his brain?
A widower.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
How do you grow your own dope?
Plant a man.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
There's a husband who calls his wife an angel. That's because she's always flying around the house harping about something.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going. |
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