In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects ... that's the way the game is played.
SIMPLES DUTIES
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car (+1)
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station (-1)
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1)
.... at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away (-1)
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish (+1)
You leave dishes in the sink (-1)
You leave them under the bed (-5)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+10)
But return with beer (-5)
You leave the toilet seat up (-1)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (+1)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You make the bed (+2)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
.... it's nothing (0)
.... it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
.... it's her father (-15)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
.... named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
.... you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
.... you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" (-20)
.... the woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink, and that's it (0)
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
You have a lot of drinks, and vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
You go to the mall together (+3)
.... you drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
.... you drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-5)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
.... you nap on a sectional (0)
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
Most of it is chips and beer (-6)
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
.... or refinishing the floors (+16)
.... or rewiring the basement (+17)
.... or adding a second floor (+18)
.... or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-1)
.... and you're tickled pink about it (-5)
You visit her parents (0)
.... and actually make conversation (+3)
.... and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
.... the television is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
.... you didn't even go to college (-10)
.... it's not your underwear (-15)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
.... it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
.... and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant (+3)
.... and hire a guitar player (+6)
.... you get up and sing (+8)
.... and you stink (+10)
.... you're not half bad (+15)
You get up and sing her favorite Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause (+18)
You give her a gift (0)
.... it's a small appliance (-10)
.... it's not a small appliance (+1)
.... and it isn't chocolate (+2)
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months (+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-1)
With her credit card (-30)
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-20)
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely (-10)
You forget your anniversary (-20)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
You go out with a pal (-5)
.... who is happily married (-2)
.... or frighteningly single (-8)
.... and he drives a Trans Am (-10)
.... with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-25)
You have a few beers (-9)
.... and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
You get home at 3 am (-20)
.... smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-30)
.... and not wearing any pants (-40)
"Is that a tattoo??" (-200)
HER NIGHT OUT
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying friend from work (+5)
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late (+10)
You wait up (+15)
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed (+20)
A NIGHT AT HOME
You watch TV together (0)
You rent a movie (+2)
You rent a movie and it's SENSE AND SENSIBILITY (+3)
.... and you stay awake throughout (+5)
.... you fall asleep (-1)
.... you fall asleep and drool (-2)
A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER
You take her to a movie (+2)
.... one she likes (+4)
.... one you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon) (+6)
.... one you like and she hates (-3)
It's called DeathCop 3 (-5)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-10)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it (+5)
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+15)
And she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-10)
.... and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
.... you resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
.... for her (+10)
.... something she can't use (-10)
.... like a motorized model airplane (-20)
.... and your kid needs braces (-30)
In fact, all four of the kids need braces (-50)
DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
.... and end up getting lost (-10)
.... in a bad part of town (-15)
.... and you meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
She finds out you lied about having a black belt (-60)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (NOTE: Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-25)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
.... without looking at the TV (+20)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
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