How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? He wouldn't ask for directions.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men like guns?
Keep one around long enough, and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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