1. Even though a guy might consider ketchup a vegetable, it really is in its own section next to the mayonnaise Pickles, black olives, and corn chips...same thing.
2. Don't look for pork rinds in the meat section.
3. No matter what they say, there is no fuzzy-pink-fruit-that-looks-somewhat-like-the-back-end-of-a-baboon aisle.
4. The ethnic foods aisle is not authentic...just some fat white guy's idea of ethnic foods. These include Mexican, Chinese/Thai, and Jewish. The idea of Mexican food is a new line of Taco Bell brand stuff, the Chinese is usually Chun King, and the Jewish...well, that might be kosher. Rice is considered an ethnic food. Same with refried beans and pickled herring.
5. The health food aisle consists of mostly diet pills.
6. A veggie-burger isn't found next to the ground beef. Spotting it as such is like spotting a feminist holding hands with a neo-nazi.
7. The lettuce for a salad is on the complete opposite side of the store from the salad dressing and croutons.
8. If you are doing the shopping for your wife who is prone to call the police if you are gone for more than four hours, stop your shopping and give your wife a call. Now, in order to preserve your manliness, be stereotypical. Tell her that you simply stopped at the ...uh... hardware store to look at some of those new, uh, shingles they just got in and that you're having absolutely no trouble shopping what-so-ever. "However, just out of curiosity, dear, where exactly is the cheese aisle?"
9. The beer is in the dairy aisle, but if you want wine with your cheese, they are in separate aisles.
10. The peanut butter isn't next to the jelly. It's near the bread.
11. There are no "Caution: Toxic Gasses" signs indicating that you are close to where they keep the canned pork-and-beans.
12. Plain yogurt is no where near the frozen yogurt.
13. The frozen food aisle is your best friend.
14. The principles of feng shui are not practiced in a vast majority of grocery stores.
15. Avoid stores that sell things other than food at all costs. It's hell trying to find the frozen corn when you're lost in the cosmetic aisle.
16. The deli counter has meat, cheese, and bread, but it doesn't have the meat, cheese, and bread you are actually shopping for.
17. If you are easily confused, don't look at the very ends of the aisles. There is absolutely no correlation between what is on the end-caps to what actually exists in the aisles. However, if it's Superbowl Sunday, stick only to the end-caps.
18. Those little signs above each aisle give you a pretty good idea what is in that aisle. If there's a guide, that helps too. However, don't rely on them. I guarantee that half the stuff on your list won't be listed. If you're not using a list, then stop now, go home, and get one. It saves you three hours that you'll never get back. I suggest entering the house humbly with head down.
19. Don't think of grocery shopping as a sissy job. Quite the contrary. Think of it as hunting for the food you must provide for your family. However, through experience, entering a grocery store with war paint, a spear and a shield usually gets the police there much quicker than if you wife called them.
20. Careful. Just around the health food aisle is the junk food aisle. Or, if you're going the other way, the health food aisle is just on the other side of the junk food aisle. It's either temptation around the bend or guilt depending on your point of view. And no, there's no avoiding it.
21. Brown apples aren't quite as good as the red ones. There are at least four colors of peppers, and they do taste differently. Lettuce isn't supposed to have bugs on them. And green bananas taste like crap.
22. Unless the list specifically states a brand name, get the cheapest one. After all, if she didn't specify what kind, it's fair game. If that proves too confusing, just get the one that looks the prettiest. However the prettier the packaging, the more expensive.
23. If the wife is sick, and has sent you shopping, bring back something nice for her: flowers, chicken soup, chocolate. It makes her forget that you are such an idiot for getting the 14.5 oz. can of diced peeled tomatoes rather than the 15 oz. can of cubed crushed tomatoes.
24. You can't win. No matter what you do, you will always get the 14.5 oz.can of diced peeled tomatoes rather than the 15 oz. can of cubed crushed tomatoes.
25. The bargain table of days-old bread is not worth it. The mold will have grown all over the bread and will be holding the grapes hostage by the time you get home.
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