Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone...
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts
have emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a
semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
always a chance
for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community
colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he
was wrong was General George Custer.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
pictures.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the
men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to
imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll
their eyes and groan and wait it out.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV
in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go
out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that
looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's
dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge
singer named Vic.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he
will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well
as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms,
either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have
hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not
be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's
body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave,
Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of
some short people living in the house.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do
you want to join me?"
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their
genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not
having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering
their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.
Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to
do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women.
Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too
much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious
and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly
change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess
moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no
tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at
"towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever
because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine
also varies culturally as most men in the UK are 'pullers' as opposed to
'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances
are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will
expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics. After the
shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male
tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper.
As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's,
they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves.
For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't
gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the
trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart
that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that
grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa".
Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes
later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man
will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures
of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Sports Arenas:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The
women usually end up following men.
Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks , and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As
they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones,
complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve
cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires
at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep
around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and
smaller in size.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party".
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